I went back to the States this weekend for my sister's wedding shower. Wedding showers are normally something I loathe and despise and avoid like the plague, but this is my sister. So I went, enjoyed the short time I got to hang out with her around the shower, and enjoyed the shower for her sake. Particularly because I got to be the photographer and not take part in the games. There's nothing wrong with wedding showers per se, it's just "too much estrogen in one room", as I like to say.

I also got some exciting photos of dead fish. Very exciting photos of dead fish. We went for a walk along a pier on the lake and it was scattered with small, dead, dried and/or bloated, blackened dead fish. We were puzzled. We were mystified. We were mildly horrified. But, it made for a great photographic subject. I shall post the best one or two on Flickr for you to...enjoy.

And lest this post be simply frivolous, I add that I read a book this weekend that I believe everyone should read. OK, that's a sweeping statement, but I believe it.

I started out by reading Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I don't date, but it is applicable to any romantic relationship, with principles also applicable to any relationship, period. I found myself wanting to read their seminal work, Boundaries. Voila, my wish was granted this weekend as my sister lent me her copy. I finished it on the bus on the way home, and let me say, it is revolutionary. It will change the way you think, the way you view life, and the way you view relationships. I feel I have grown about ten feet tall from it, and I will be recommending it to many people. I also hope to review it in detail here someday, once my first loanee friend finishes it. Summary: get it, read it.

A friend gave me this book with a high recommendation. I have to admit, not skepticism, but uncertainty about what to expect.

However, it was so incredibly excellent that not only could I barely put it down, I'm going to be lending it out and recommending it to others.

Steven Tracy is remarkably insightful, adept at understanding the mechanics and effects of abuse, and sympathetic to the abused. The book paints a portrait of what abuse looks like, its effects on the soul, and the path to healing.

The book's outline is as follows:

Part 1: The Nature of Abuse

1. A Wake-up Call Regarding the Extent and Power of Abuse
2. Abuse as a Perversion of the Image of God
3. Profiles of Abusers
4. Portrait of an Abusive Family

Part 2: The Effects of Abuse

5. Shame
6. Powerlessness and Deadness
7. Isolation

Part 3: The Healing Path

8. Facing the Brokenness
9. Rebuilding Intimacy with God
10. Forgiveness

There are also several appendices with much useful information, e.g. a sample child protection policy for a church; and warning signs of potential abusers (which I found particularly useful).

Part 1 stresses that abuse is rampant and wide-spread, and why it is so damaging: it perverts the image of God. It presents characteristics of abusers and characteristics of abusive families. It makes the very important point that often abusers, or abusive families, do not look so from the outside.

Part 2 covers the effects of abuse on the soul of the victim, under three categories: shame, powerlessness and deadness, and isolation. All of these deal with the way that we view ourselves, and our relationships with others. This was the part that I started to find really hitting home and will prove incredibly helpful to anyone suffering the effects of abuse, even years after the fact.

Part 3 presents the path to healing. Chapter 8, "Facing the Brokenness" makes the point that we must fully acknowledge the abuse and its effects on us before we can begin to heal. Otherwise we will remain locked in shame, powerlessness and deadness, and isolation; and even perpetrate the abuse on others.

The bit of this section that I found most helpful was a chart that Tracy presents on page 141, "A Healing Model". It traces the path to healing, from the characteristics of someone who has not yet begun (e.g. emotionally numb, hides past, self-righteous and judgmental) through the stages of healing to someone who is reconnecting healthily with God and with others (emotionally open, authentic, honest with God and others, etc). This one chart, to me, is worth the price of the book itself.

Tracy then moves on to rebuilding intimacy with God, which offers joyful hope without easy, "bandage" solutions; and forgiveness, which thoughtfully clarifies what forgiveness is and what it isn't. It's not cheap grace and it's not denial of the wrong done; it may and usually does involve setting boundaries between ourself and the abuser, but it is necessary for true healing.

The only part of the book I found somewhat redundant at times were his biblical examples; Tracy uses Bible stories to illustrate the dynamics of abuse. This sometimes seems a bit forced, as if he felt that writing a book to a Christian audience necessitated using biblical examples. Nevertheless, it is insightful, particularly, I found, his analysis of the story of Amnon and Tamar (2 Samuel 13:1-22).

In short, this book is an excellent, well-thought-out, very insightful resource for anyone who has gone through abuse, or who is seeking to help the abused. It presents a Christian perspective without legalism, judgment, or easy answers, and offers real hope and help. I'd wholeheartedly recommend it.