Wow, it's been a long time since I've written. Only some vague sense of obligation to this blog makes me write now, I guess, since I don't feel particularly inspired by anything.

Life is mostly about work right now. I've just completed my fourth week, and it's feeling good. I've settled into the rhythm of getting up early, going to work, coming home, although it still feels strange when I think about it to have a "real" job. Work's boring sometimes, but it's nice to have the settledness of knowing where you're going to be from 9-5 every day, to have a set list of tasks, to know a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day, to earn relaxation, to have a predictable paycheque. The benefits of freelancing have faded in my mind to an embrace of the benefits of regular work.

It feels good, it feels responsible, it feels grown-up. I feel settled here in Toronto in a way that I didn't before. I feel more positive about the future. The terrible mountain of debt that was crushing my mind now feels like a path I'm climbing, slowly but steadily.

Sleep continues to be a struggle, but I cope with it as best I can, partly by going to bed at ridiculously early hours every night. If that's what I have to do, it is—there's nothing good about feeling so crushingly tired that you can't function.

Life feels more ordered now; the only deficit in it remains friends that I can hang out with on a regular basis here. My good friends are scattered over the globe and maintained mostly through phone calls, emails, and Facebook. I hope that changes at some point, but for now, that's the way it is.

Today was my first day at my new job. I slept not well. I was extremely stressed. I don't like it about me that I stress so much over stuff like this. I wish I could sail through life smoothly, untroubled by the ups and downs of normal living.

However, the first day went well enough: the usual reading papers, signing things, being given information. The job doesn't appear to be anything I can't handle competently. The people are pleasant and nice.

I realize I am going through a bit of a grieving phase for freelancing. Things I love about freelancing: the ability to stay in my home. To go out when I choose. To stay up till 2am. To control my own schedule. To determine how I dress. When I dress. Large patches of free time to muddle with photos and IM friends. The sweetness of unstructured time.

When you work a job, your time is owned. 9-5 Monday through Friday, plus commuting time, plus when you run your errands and when you go to bed are all owned and controlled by the company you work for. No longer can I travel when I want: I have two weeks' vacation time in a year. And there's a myriad of other things: I have to admit to a bit of a rebellious interior "hmph" when I discovered today that my company blocks Facebook.

But it's a tradeoff: what I don't love about freelancing, or at least the way it's worked for me, is the insufficient paycheque and the uncertainty of when and how much you're paid. It works just fine if it's only my own normal expenses: however, the mountain of debt I've accrued through unpredictable circumstances is enough motivation for me to take on the yoke of full-time employment.

And, I know this is what God wants. For now, for me, that's enough. And discipline imposed from the exterior is not at all a bad thing: after all, Jesus is Lord and Master. Submitting our life to his control doesn't exclude and in fact usually includes doing so to the "master", or employer, he's given us. After all, as the New Testament says somewhere I'm too lazy to look up right now, I'm working for him, not them. I know this job is a gift from God, and I am thankful. I'll adjust, and I know, find joy in it.

A few people pointed out to me that I hadn't actually made clear what my new job is.

It's website content coordinator for a Canadian company's Toronto office. This involves maintaining and updating their websites and managing their email newsletters. It will include HTML, image processing, email list management, and SQL databases. It will be heavy on proofreading, which is one of my strongest skills.

The whole thing has the smell of God about it. Several financial crises lately led me to become seriously desperate. I cried out to God, saying, "You have to do SOMETHING," and started job hunting. Freelancing has been wonderful, and I've done it for over a year, but the bottom line is that it's not meeting my needs.

This job posting immediately stood out when I saw it online. It fits exactly with my interests and experience, and is very similar to a job I held for a year in the States, a job I still consider almost ideal.

The interview went well, and I had a very positive feel about the office and the people. The commute is around 40 minutes by public transit. The salary will allow me to meet my needs and, God willing, pay off my debts within a year. I'm happy and excited and resigned to going back to the 9-5 office world, which has its own advantages. I will probably continue freelancing on the side, though I will have to limit the amount of work I accept.

I know it's God, so for now, I am content.

The job I interviewed for last week called me yesterday to say I got it. Deeply grateful to God. I really was at a point of desperation, and I cried out to him. Just another lesson in trust: he never fails to come through.

The job starts in two weeks' time; that should give me enough space to get some things out of the way before I resume full time employment.

Other things to write about, but they will have to wait.