This is a topic that’s been very much on my mind lately, mainly because of the number of people I know who are affected by it. If you’re not a Christian and you’re reading this, please feel free to stop now. You might be unnecessarily offended, since this is addressed to Christians.

For single people (not just Christians), the issue of dating, marriage, and sex is one of the single biggest issues we face. The drive for romance, companionship, and sexual fulfillment is one of the strongest drives any human being experiences. In fact, it’s a significant part of what it means to be human. God created us this way; it’s not wrong, it’s perfectly normal.

For Christians, this drive is further compounded by the fact that (usually) we want to do God’s will. We can’t simply go out and sleep with or date or marry anyone we please; we are supposed to keep this desire subjected to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and the control of the Holy Spirit.

Because of sin, this desire faces frustration. In an unsinful, non-fallen world, presumably we’d all be provided mates, as Adam was Eve, and live in perfect, harmonious relationships. As we all know, this doesn’t happen! People who want to be married live long, frustrated years as singles. You find someone you believe to be “the one”, only to have the relationship end in heartbreak. People who get married experience grief in their relationships. Spouses die. They leave. They cheat. And so on.

We face further problems because our judgment is subject to sin. In this area more than any other, Christians seem especially prone to self-delusion. I believe that’s because the desire is so basic, so strong, so deeply implanted, and the drive to fulfill it is so urgent, that if we are not very careful, it is extremely easy to fall into sin and error. Unless we are controlled by the word of God and the Holy Spirit, and his will is more important than our own desires, we can very easily go astray.

Two of the most common mistakes I see Christians making in the area of relationships are: 1, dating non-Christians; and 2, having sex outside of marriage. (Obviously, there are other problems, but these are the ones I'm most concerned about).

Both of these are things God is clearly against. He says:

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: ‘I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.'" (2 Corinthians 6:14-18, emphasis added)

“The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:13-20, emphasis added)

In both passages the argument is the same. God is saying that he, by his Holy Spirit, has actually come to live within us! Our bodies are the temple of the living God. He owns them. Jesus died and rose again to purchase us for himself. How dare we take that temple, this body that God lives in, and join it with those who don't know God or sexually with anyone outside of marriage? We don’t have that right. It’s his!

In another passage dealing with sexual immorality, Paul makes this analogy:

“Your boasting is not good. Don't you know that a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough? Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast—as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. Therefore let us keep the Festival, not with the old yeast, the yeast of malice and wickedness, but with bread without yeast, the bread of sincerity and truth.” (1 Corinthians 5:6-8)

Paul is talking here about the purity of the body of Christ. In the Bible, yeast is often used as a symbol of sin. Just as yeast spreads throughout the whole batch of dough and affects it all, sin does the same in the church. Paul uses this analogy in the context of putting someone who has sinned sexually outside of the fellowship. He was serious, and we are to be serious, about the purity of Jesus’ holy bride. He says elsewhere:

“But among you there must not be even a HINT of sexual immorality….” (Ephesians 5:3, emphasis added)

I’ve had people justify their relationships with non-Christians (often sexual ones) by telling me that “God told them” to be in that relationship. I’m going to be totally honest with you: no he didn’t. God is not going to tell you something that directly contradicts his clear command in Scripture. Yes, he speaks to us personally. But when he does, it is in line with his word and does not go against his clearly-spoken will.

It is so easy for us to be mistaken about hearing God’s voice. It is so easy to allow our feelings to influence and control what we think God is saying. Let me put it this way: if we want something very strongly, we will naturally interpret everything we “hear” from God to be in favour of that thing. I’ve done it myself. I have wanted something and thought God was telling me it was his will, only to find out that I was mistaken. It is the fruit of it that allows you to tell the difference. God’s subjective spoken word to us will never go against his objective, plain word in Scripture.

In addition, those who engage in sexual relationships outside of marriage face God’s judgment:

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4)

“Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” (1 Corinthians 6:9-10)

Is that to say there’s no forgiveness? Of course there is. We are prone to sin and to failure. If we confess our sins to God and are genuinely repentant, yes, he forgives. If we forsake the thing we are doing, he will restore us. However, we will have to face the hard consequences of our sin. Some of these may include:

• heartbreak from failed relationships

• grief over giving ourselves sexually in ways and to people we were not supposed to
• hurting others around us/destroying friendships, particularly if the relationship is adulterous
• distance between ourselves and God
• loss on the day of judgement

Do we really want to face God’s judgment? Do we really want to grieve him? Do we really want to put distance between ourselves and him? If we’re thinking about it rationally, we would say no. But in the heat of the moment and the attraction you’re feeling to that person, it’s easy to justify what you’re doing and to twist or forget what God says.

This is an area in which the church as a whole is called to live up to God’s standards of purity, but in which I believe it has largely failed. Paul tells us:

“I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

"What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. ‘Expel the wicked man from among you.’" (1 Corinthians 5:9-13)

Does that sound serious? Yes, it is. Does it sound harsh and “contrary to grace”? Only if we have a very warped understanding of grace. The church, and Christians as individuals, can’t expect God’s presence and blessing if we’re tolerating corporately or individually sin that God clearly forbids. We can’t expect Jesus to dwell among us, or with us, if we’re grieving him so radically. We can’t afford to ignore this issue, either in our churches, our own lives, or our friends’ lives, if we’re serious about wanting to follow Jesus. His standards are clear. He demands no compromise. If we really care about others' spiritual well-being, we will be serious about confronting them and helping them out of this kind of sin.

God wants us. He is passionate about us as his Bride and as his holy people. He longs for a close, intimate, and exclusive relationship with us. He longs to be able to shine his glory through us to the world around us. He longs to have a pure nation, representing him on this earth, living in holiness, living in love with one another and with him. That's his desire!

The bottom line is, do we want fellowship with God? Do we want others to have fellowship with God? If we don't, and we want to follow our own desires, we can do whatever we want. Just don't claim to be following Jesus. If we do, then we must be serious about doing whatever it takes.

If you’re in a relationship with a non-Christian, or a “Christian” who isn’t following Jesus 100%, break it off. If you’re sleeping with them, break it off even more quickly. If you’re sexually involved with someone who’s a “Christian”, stop it. Now. Ask God’s forgiveness; humble yourself before him. Seek accountability with someone who will keep you honest. Seek to live a life of purity and contentment in Jesus, and trust him to meet those needs that seem so strong.

Our sexual and romantic needs are not our most important ones: our relationship with God is. Trust him to satisfy the longings of your soul, and to bring you a far deeper joy than the things you're forsaking, which are making you spiritually sick. Seek intimacy with him, and fellowship with others, that will give you a life of purpose and contentment. Remember that he has said:

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Hebrews 13:5-6)

Loneliness creates probably the greatest and most devastating hole in the soul of man. Ever since God made us in his image and declared, "It is not good for man to be alone," we were primed to live in perfect intimacy with him and one another. Ever since Adam sinned and the world tumbled into fall, we were doomed to face the pain of loneliness, isolation, alienation.

There are other pains, to be sure; but all of them result in loneliness. Our sin or the sin of others puts walls, barriers, miles of barren terrible wilderness between us and people and us and God. We exist inside our own little hideaway, hoping and wanting and wishing for someone to see us, someone to love us as we are, someone to exist with so we will not have to be alone.

Some loneliness is simply a result of this broken world. Some of it is by choice. Some of it is a result of the evil done by us or to us.

All of it hurts. All of it ends up the same way: distance.

Even those with close friends or a spouse can end up lonely. Loneliness isn't a disease only the single or exiles catch. Sometimes people have a thousand "friends" but not one of them sees them for who they are. You can be in a crowd, it's often said, and be lonelier than those who are alone.

Of course it was not meant to be. In an ideal world, we'd live with perfect closeness between us and God and our fellow man.

In an imperfect world, loneliness can become a pain that forces us to God. I once had a prophetic word that my loneliness had hemmed me in to God, because I had no one else. Truer word never spoken. But it comes at the price of terrible pain.

In an imperfect world, we seek to assuage the terrible, sucking, horrible, emptiness of isolation in many ways. The things we do numb us to protect us from the pain, whatever they are. It could be drugs, it could be surfing the internet endlessly. It could be reaching out and dialing that number when you know you shouldn't. It could be going out to clubs to seek someone to spend the night with, just for the temporary, deceitful feel of love that leaves us emptier than before. Because facing the barren, naked pain with nothing between it and us is unthinkable, it would destroy us.

We have to learn the hard way to go to God. We have to learn the hard way not to give into the powerful, all-encompassing scream to do whatever it is that will give us a few more minutes of peace, shut up the barking dog for a little while. We have to fight against the undertow that will suck us out to sea, into oblivion and into greater hurt. We have to face it, and cry out to Jesus.

That is not as cliched as it sounds. For I've had to do it. Time and time again, when loneliness bites and gnaws like an animal that will destroy me, I've had to identify it, face it, stare it down, resist its urges, and recognize a time to turn to God. If I ignore it and him, I miss an opportunity to learn his love. If I don't take his hand and walk with him through the valley of the shadow of loneliness, I become a shallower and emptier and colder person.

When I cry out to him, he meets me. When I cry out to him, allow him to wrap his arms around me, ask his Spirit to fill me, he does. It comes at the price of terrible pain, I told you. But the result is worth it. It's intimacy with God. I wouldn't, at this point in my life, choose to go back on all the pain. Even though right at this moment, if I could, I'd dodge and duck the pain I'm feeling.

He knows better. Loneliness is a gift. It's not one I would have chosen, but if I walk alone and it allows me to know him and to love others better, I guess, it's worth it.

Listening is one of the most important relational skills that we have. Together with sympathetic understanding and non-judgementalism, it's perhaps the most powerful skill we can hone.

I used to wonder, why is that? What is it about another human being intently listening to us, understanding us, and sympathizing with us, that creates so much healing? After all, they're not doing anything "tangible" to help us, or even changing our situation.

I still don't have all the answers to that, but I think a huge part of it is that listening in this way creates a connection. Genuine caring on the part of one human to another causes a bond between two people that opens the doorway for powerful healing. Whether or not you believe in God, that's true.

We are made in the image of God. We are made for relationship. We are made for connection with him, and with other humans. When another listens to us in this way, or we listen to them, we are creating a relational connection that goes beyond the surface and sees right to the heart of that human being. It says, "I know you. I care. And it's ok."

It's powerful. That's why I think we need to cultivate it. Learn to listen, learn to see, learn to care. It will be used in amazing ways to bring freedom and release from deep-held pain for many people.

A lot of people speculate about why women seem to be attracted to jerks, cads, and players who end up breaking their hearts, while ignoring much nicer "good guys" and treating them only as friends.

As a woman, I'm probably qualified to weigh in on the discussion, not least because the kind of guys I tend to be attracted to (whether I date them or not) usually fall into the first category.

Occasionally I read Christianity Today's online articles. They have a regular column for singles which I also occasionally read.

I have to admit that I find it bothering me sometimes. This article is a case in point. Titled "What's So Great about Being Single?", it lists reasons to support the title, but still treats singleness as if it's just a temporary stage on the route to marriage, something to be tolerated if not enjoyed. Marriage and kids are the ultimate destination, but contentment must be found in singleness while it lasts. If you haven't achieved marriage, you are working toward it and have to assuage your misery until you reach that blissful state.

This is a topic I've been thinking about a lot lately, mainly triggered by a couple of specific situations. Friendship with the opposite sex is an area that everybody, single or not, has to navigate to some degree.

I'm a very friendly person. I genuinely love people. I also tend to get along best with guys. Growing up, I was a tomboy. I played with the boys and took part in all their sports and activites. (OK, maybe not quite all. Things like peeing messages in the snow, I skipped.)

In the small town where I grew up, race relations were not at their best. Black and white people tended to live their lives separately, go to different churches, stay in distinct social groups, and, usually, marry or shack up with the same skin colour. Of course people worked and shopped together; but there was underlying tension and prejudice and long-standing hatred, suppressed or otherwise, on both sides.

A friend and I were talking about what we value most in friendship, and agreed that it's reliability.

One of the things that consistently annoys me is people who say that they'll do something or make promises to get together, then either change plans or never follow through. You can't rely on their word, it doesn't mean what you think it means, and you never know where you stand. Some people seem to do this serially.